I’ve been in the state of Nebraska for less than 24 hours and quite honestly I’m speechless. And when I say Nebraska I’m also including Council Bluffs, Iowa because they are the same people with just an added flare of white trash. I arrived last night in Council Bluffs to stay with a good friend whom I used to teach with in Las Vegas. When I arrived at his house the white trash family across the street was gathered on their front porch of their barn looking home. Black people get a bad rap for hanging out on the porch, but white trash people do the exact same thing. Anyway, my buddy was claiming the one chick was bangable, than again this guy will fuck anything with a pulse and opposable thumbs. So, I put down my things and we headed into downtown Omaha. As usual we were trying to keep the night tame, but I knew that wouldn’t happen because we were meeting up with some of my good college friends. After dinner and some booze we decided to venture into the night and pathetically bar hopped all over Omaha. Seeing that the night didn’t have much to offer we all agreed to go back to Council Bluffs to the famed “Razzle Dazzle” strip club.
Where the fuck to I begin? There is nothing razzle or dazzle about this place. The first sign of it possibly being the worst strip club in the universe (and I’ve been to lots of shitty strip clubs) was the no cover charge. Every strip club in the history of mankind will have a cover charge, but the Razzle Dazzle is such a cold sore and the girls are so ridiculously ugly they don’t even attempt to take money at the door. So, we go inside and this was the smallest strip club I’ve ever seen . There is one stage in the middle and maybe 30-35 seats in the entire place. So, we grab seats at the bar and I instantly noticed that it was full of nothing but white people. The ironic part was the fact that numerous strippers were black and the old white men greatly enjoyed shoving their faces in their STD ridden crotches. I find it ironic because these are the same men that probably yell “nigger” every time they are cut off by a black driver. Anyway, my drunk friend quickly befriended one of the strippers at the bar. To his credit, she was definitely the best looking girl at the club, but that’s like saying you’re fastest retard at the Special Olympics. She introduced herself to all of us as “Shadow.” So I responded, “Oh, like the shadow boxes you made in grade school?” She had no clue what the hell I was talking about and than she barfed herpes on my face. Actually, my friend was intent on banging her and “not paying for it” as he claimed to me.
While he was putting the moves on Shadow I watched in horror at the beer gutted dancers, all of whom had tramp stamps. The fact that these girls were paid strippers would be like me getting paid to play in the NFL. Not only did they not have any right to be getting naked and shaking their fat asses in public, but they should be locked in a cage in someone’s basement like that dude from Pulp Fiction. The most disturbing dancer had a large beer belly with an obvious C-section scar on her stomach. As I sipped my Jim Beam and coke I could only watch in horror as countless men placed bills in her thong and let her thrust her roast beef snatch in their faces. Shortly after Shadow was on stage and she was definitely the hit sensation of the club. My friend became jealous, which was pretty funny and I could only watch and laugh because he was getting jealous over some slutty stripper he just met. After the dance and pelvic thrusts Shadow rejoined my friend and they exchanged numbers on a napkin, taking it back to 1988 when cell phones didn’t exist. He is intent on banging Shadow, which also means he must be intent on contracting the Chlamydia, because they are one in the same.
Lunch at Arby’s Today
Today I ventured into the local Council Bluffs Arby’s for lunch. The placed literally felt like a nursing home. It was nothing but old people everywhere. When I say old I’m talking witnessed the Civil War old. The old man in front of me was using a gift card to pay for his extra value meal. I want to know who gave him an Arby’s gift card for his birthday? That could quite possibly be the worst gift anyone could receive minus the $10 dollar gift card my Aunt gave me one year to Staples (true story). The funniest part was that the card wouldn’t process, so he was arguing with the cashier about the stupid thing. She in turn had to get the manager who still couldn’t get the card to work. He was pissed and refused to use his own money and literally threatened to go McDonald’s and give them his money. Meanwhile the morbidly obese people behind me in line were drooling at the mouth and ready to go postal because they had to wait five extra minutes before they could shove their sausage link fingers into some Arby’s Beef N’ Cheddars. Because of this disaster I decided to eat at the restaurant and watch more fat people. Also, the girl working the cash register was fuckable, even though she worked as an Arby’s cash register in Council Bluffs, Iowa. I would be willing to overlook her job title after a few beers and Jaeger Bombs. Who am I kidding? I would probably bang her in the bathroom, while some geriatric was shitting himself in the nearby bathroom stall. Anyway, while I sat and ate the table across from me was literally on a date. The chick worked at Arby’s and had her uniform on, so she was either on break or finished with her shift. The guy was some redneck and they literally seemed like they were on a first date. I eaves dropped and overheard their length discussion about alcohol shot preference. Nothing says first date like some Arby’s curly fries and a discussion about Jaeger bombs. So, that’s my first 12 hours in Omaha/Council Bluffs. I look forward to downtown Omaha tonight and tomorrow’s show at University of Nebraska. You know what they say, “What happens in Omaha probably involves gravy, corn, and a fat chick.”
I am on my way!!!!
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