My goal during the tour was to blog almost everyday when I was on the road. Well, my lazy ass certainly did not follow thru on the this promise. In fact my last blog was October 6 about my lovely experience in the state of Montana. Anyway, after exactly 3 months on the road I've made it back home to Los Angeles and my tiny studio apartment in Venice Beach. I put over 14,000 miles on my Hertz Rental Car and enjoyed traveling across the country and performing stand-up comedy for a wide range of audiences. I've decided to sum up the tour with a list of numerous events that pretty much decribe the best/worst moments of the Fall 2010 "Walk of Shame Tour."
Worst Drive - My initial drive from Venice Beach, California to Cincinnati, Ohio was like a Jewish man's death march during the holocaust, minus the gas chambers, slave labor, starvation, and eventual death. What made the trip unbearable was my decision to drive over 2,000 miles straight without getting a hotel room. I just kept driving and whenever I was tired I would pull over at a rest area of gas station and risk my anal virginity by sleeping for a few hours. Than I would wake up and continue the treacherous drive. Looking back, I have no idea why I refused to get a hotel room? At the conclusion of the journey I smelled like a Mexican who had been searching in underground tunnels for a United States passage. Upon arrival at my parents house I showered upon my mother's request and fell into a long coma. The next week I became sick because of this retarded idea and will never again drive across country with limited sleep, unless I have a hot chick to supply constant amounts of road head.
Worst Show/Audience - Hands down Bones Bar and Grille in Jefferson City, Missouri. Although my show at Crazy Horse Bar and Grille in Bloomington, Indiana was equally a disturbing trainwreck. The reason my show in Jefferson City was such a disaster was because the audience were the stupidest people I've ever met in my life. Since my manager and other buddy are from Jefferson City I did not anticipate this huge debaccle. Words cannot describe the stupidity of the girls in the crowd. In particilar the female named "Carma." She was so annoying and mentally incapable upon learning her name I told her and I quote, "It was bad Karma that your mother did not abort you, because that's how annoying you are!" I also told this audience that "I would rather be stuck in a Chilean mine than have to continue performing jokes for you morons." We do have footage of this show and it should be great footage for anyone wanting to view a video of "World's Worst Comedy Show."
Worst Hook-Up - Again, this is an easy pick and really doesn't count as a hook-up considering nothing happened. Let's just say I went back with a sorority girl from a Big 10 University and about a minute into kissing she told me she didn't feel well and she started to puke all over herself and also the couch. Like any chivalrous gentleman I alerted her housemate, called a cab, and went home to masturbate.
Best Drunken Haze - Tailgting for the Michigan State/Michigan football game in Ann Arbor, Michigan. Pretty much I have no recollection after 11 AM of this Saturday tailgate. I woke up already drunk from the night before around 8 AM and instantly had a Natural Lite in my hand. I decided to exacerbate the problem by purchasing a 4 Loko and going into a lunatic black out mode. Again, I was followed by cameras, so we'll definitely have some video of this day in the near future. I remember bits and pieces of the day like passing out in the middle of the tailgate and being woken with frat kids pouring beer on my face, and also giving a random sorority at University of Michigan an "upper decker" before I left campus. All together it was a fun day from what I remember and am shocked I somehow did not get arrested.
Easiest Pay Day - This is another easy choice considering I was paid $1,000 to not perform. Yes, that is 100% true and I would like to thank one of the fraternities at University of Nebraska for giving me the easiest $1,000 dollars of my life. Essentially the fraternity President who organized the event was so intoxicated and everyone else in the chapter house did not know what the hell was going on. We were supposed to open the night with comedy and be followed by a DJ. Yet, the show was in such dissaray that they opted only for the DJ, hence me getting paid to do absolutely nothing. Now I know what Alex Rodriguez feels like for half an at bat.
Best Drunken Food (That I Can Remember) - Cane's Chicken in Norman, Oklahoma. I would nominate whatever I ate at Michigan State University in East Lansing, but I was in such a state of "black out" I don't remember what I even ate. Anyway, Cane's Chicken is greasy fried chicken with a kick ass sauce. They are very smart because they market to every black person alive and white college kids who either have no money or want some greasy food when they are stoned or drunk. It was a declicious meal and the chicken was toppped with Texas Toast, fries, and some sweet tea. It's a home-run for anyone who wants to possibly shit themselves the next day on a 13 hour drive, because that's what happened to me.
Best Purchase of the Tour - My Davey Crocket Racoon Hat and Buffalo Hat somewhere in Oklahoma. After eating an excellent Bison Burger I ventured across the parking lot into a Native American store and found some awesome products. After giving the Natives small pox I made the great purchases of a racoon and buffalo hat. These will be great drinking hats and will fit in perfectly with the attire of my neighbors from Venice Beach.
Best Bar - The winner must go to Razzle Dazzle Strip Club in Pine Bluffs, Iowa. This truly is such a disgusting place with STD ridden strippers, showing off C-Section scars that it's totally awesome.
Worst Hotel - The winner of this illustrious award would be the Super 8 Motel in Albert Lee, Minnesota. My room looked like it was featured in any Saw Movie and the bed was about as clean as Tai tranny prostitute who's just been double teamed by a couple of South African tourists high on crystal meth. I took out my frustration by pounding off to some quality pornhub.com and not even bothering to clean up the mess.
It was a great tour with many great stories. I just hope that next time I claim to keep a daily blog, I actually stick with it.
- Andy
P.S. I better not have AIDS
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